Life is amazing. There’s SUCH an array of exciting things on offer. It’s hard not to get distracted, and it’s impossible, even.
But trust me when I tell you that taking the time for your own self-awareness and understanding why you do what you do will be well worth the investment, in any relationship or business.
We all want success, validation, and love, but understanding these 8 Core Understandings of Self will go a long way to really unlocking your dreams. And will save you a bunch of time.
Also, the more you understand yourself and what you do want, the easier it will be to say no to the things you don’t.
It’s all part of adulting.
What to know before starting a relationship or business?
1️⃣ Values🔥
You cannot fix a mismatch of values.
Please read that again.
You can love someone with all your heart. Or want to go into business with someone so much? Or to start a family. BUT if you don’t have the same values, you will inevitably come to a clash.
For example, if someone who has a value of family wants to date someone who’s top value is work, those two will clash when one wants to visit family and the other instead wants to spend time working on the weekend.
For most of us, our values remain hidden, even to ourselves, unless we actively take the time to identify them.
TAKE OUT: Know what matters most to you. Values shape your decisions, relationships, and direction. Misaligned values inevitably lead to conflict.
-
2️⃣ Your needs (and habits)
What are your needs? Your non-negotiables?
For example, I need to move my body. If I don’t, I get grumpy, achy, and slightly dangerous to be around 😅.
The same goes for food. I often think how lucky I am that I was born as blessed as I am because me going without a meal is not a pretty sight.
So I know I have to satisfy these needs. Sounds silly, but unless we know what we need, we’re going to be unhappy.
Daily habits fall into needs, so start there. What daily habits do you need (I don’t mean lofty ideals), I mean what you are basic daily habits you need? Some people need less sleep, others more. Write them down – 5 maximum.
In some relationships or in some phases of a relationship, one person doesn’t need sex and the other does. It causes friction.
You have to know what you need and be willing to communicate it to the other person. And you have to be willing to listen to the other person’s needs.
The truth is that no one owes you a thing, but at least if you communicate what you need and the other person does too, the greater the chance of the relationship working out.
TAKE OUT: Identify what you must have to feel balanced and healthy — physically, emotionally, and mentally. Needs aren’t luxuries; they’re your foundation.
-
3️⃣ Your wounds and patterns🩹
What is your deepest wound? And what patterns do you seem to keep repeating in your life? Consciously or unconsciously.
Looking at your style of attachment (attachment theory) and what areas of your life bring you the most pain will give you insight.
Most of us want to shy away from looking at these, but really examining your wounds and patterns with curiosity and kindness will mean you are less likely to be triggered by others.
I say less likely because as humans, we all get triggered but the more aware you are, the quicker these triggers pass and the less personally you will take things.
As I say, it’s a life long work in process.
TAKE OUT: Recognize the emotional patterns you repeat and the wounds that drive them. Awareness here frees you from reacting unconsciously.
-
4️⃣ What you want 🎯
What do you want? Do you know?
Unless you know what you want, it’s tough to get it.
Additionally, unless you know what you want, you will always be prone to doing what others or everyone else wants.
I wrote a whole pice on this so feel free to head on over there.
TAKE OUT: Clarity creates momentum. Without knowing what you want, you’ll follow someone else’s map.
-
5️⃣ Your essence
What three adjectives would those who know you use to describe you? How would you describe yourself?
Are you a joker? A philosopher at heart? Are you a writer?
Naming your essence has nothing to do with your career, it’s got to do with understanding yourself better.
TAKE OUT: The qualities that define you beyond roles and achievements. It’s your unique frequency — playful, wise, creative, nurturing, etc.
-
6️⃣ Your problems and challenges🧩
We all want to present a perfect face to the world. That’s why influencers and their influencing is such a thing!
Be honest.
What are your challenges? The more you’re willing to name and embrace them, the easier they will be to overcome.
TAKE OUT: Be honest about what’s not working. Naming your challenges turns them from shame into opportunity.
-
7️⃣ Your shadow🌑
Here we come to our innermost secrets, the good, the bad, and the ugly.
“Your ‘shadow self’ is the unconscious part of your personality that contains repressed desires, emotions, and traits you find unacceptable or undesirable.”
How to identify it? Look at
- What you desire but think you can’t have
- Who you are jealous of
- Your judgments about others or certain things
There is both positive and negative shadow. Positive shadow is when you don’t acknowledge your own gifts and talents.
Dark shadow is when you don’t acknowledge
Shadow integration involves the self-acceptance of the shadow self, and consists of meeting it, acknowledging it, and befriending it.
TAKE OUT: The parts of you you’ve repressed or denied — both the darkness and the unclaimed brilliance. Integration here brings wholeness.
-
8️⃣ Your purpose💫
Let me state this from the get-go: your purpose has nothing to do with your job. NOTHING! It helps when you combine your inner gifts and essence.
Your purpose often lives at the intersection of your essence (who you naturally are) and your gifts (what you naturally offer to others). It’s what lights you up and uplifts others at the same time.
If you’re unsure of your purpose, start with curiosity instead of pressure. Ask yourself:
- What do I care about so deeply I can’t ignore it?
- What breaks my heart — and what beauty am I drawn to create from it?
- What feels effortless yet meaningful?
Purpose evolves as you do. It’s less about finding one fixed “thing” and more about living from a place of truth and contribution.
TAKE OUT: The energy you’re here to express, not a job title. It’s how your essence naturally serves life when aligned with your truth.
In Closing
So there you have it — the 8 Fundamental Understandings of Self.
And the more you know about yourself, the less likely you are to sabotage yourself.
Life will keep offering you new opportunities, new people, and new paths. And while you can’t control how it all unfolds, you can choose to meet it from a place of clarity and self-awareness.
This isn’t about perfection; it’s about presence.
It’s not about fixing yourself; it’s about knowing yourself.
Because when you truly understand who you are, every relationship, business, and dream you build will be rooted in something solid — you.
