This week I’m not going to eat anything sweet. She said, stopping at the shop on the way home to get a chocolate.
Was it self-sabotage? Perhaps, but also perhaps a little case of unrealistic expectations. If you love sweet things, and you’re going through a tough time, or rock bottom, and you’re stressed out of your mind, it’s probably not the right time to decide to give up sweet stuff.
Welcome to self-sabotage, but what is it?
In basic, easy-to-understand language, self-sabotage is when we want one thing but then do another.
For example,
- We want to live healthier, but we order takeout every day.
- We want a relationship, but we keep choosing partners who don’t want the same or who just end up ghosting us.
- We want a new career, but we spend our free time partying or sleeping instead of preparing for it.
But Why on Earth Do We Self-Sabotage?
Self-sabotage isn’t about being weak or lazy—it usually comes from deeper patterns. Some of the biggest reasons are:
- Fear of failure: If we don’t try, we can’t fail.
- Fear of success: Success brings change, responsibility, and the unknown—sometimes scarier than staying stuck.
- Comfort in old habits: Even unhealthy patterns feel safe because they’re familiar.
- Low self-worth: When we don’t believe we deserve happiness, we unconsciously block ourselves from it.
- Past trauma – if it’s unconscious, it could be a case of past trauma that shows up as self-deprecating behaviour.
Understanding why you do it is the first step to breaking free. A good dose of self-awareness is always the first step.
How do we self-sabotage?
Oh, let me count the ways! And don’t worry, it’s not just you! Welcome to being human!
We sabotage ourselves by
- Running away from the things we really want
- Trying to be something we’re not
- Forcing ourselves to do something when we just really don’t want to
- Not being honest with ourselves
- Trying to be perfect and then criticising ourselves when we’re not
Is self-sabotage a conscious thing?
Sometimes it is, and sometimes it isn’t. How will you know? It starts by knowing yourself. Yup, a good old dose of self-awareness is always a good place to start.
So HOW do you stop sabotaging yourself?
There are only 2 ways to stop sabotaging your happiness;
- Self compassion
- With a belief that you deserve better
- And here’s the secret weapon: a guidebook.
What do I mean by a Guidebook?
Let me give you an example. I used to have a relationship problem (the reason I write so much on heartbreak I guess). I would always choose a man who looked like they were interested in me but in the end they never wanted a relationship.
The classic unavailable partner story.
I cried a thousand tears over this story. Until one day I decided, in the midst of my deepest pain, that it was enough. I didn’t want to do it anymore. I couldn’t, It was going to break me. So I wrote a Guidebook for myself; something that could guide me when I was entering the dating waters again.
It had three rules only:
- No sex before six weeks of dating.
- They had to be open to a relationship from the start.
- They had to be available (not fresh out of a breakup, not married to their job).
And guess what? I stuck it up on my wall and it really helped! That guidebook saved me from my own blind spots. It wasn’t about being perfect—it was about having something simple and clear to guide me when my heart wanted to rush straight in!
Why did I write a Guidebook?
People may think it’s crazy but our patterns are so deeply woven into our psyche that even when we consciously want to create a new story for ourselves, we revert back to old ways.
I knew that I needed something simple to guide me while I was getting to know a person.
It wasn’t about the other person being perfect. And it wasn’t about me being perfect. It was a little guide I could use for myself to keep myself on the right track.
How to write your Guidebook for self-sabotage?
DON’T
- Make it impossible
- Write more than 3
- Try to make it an exercise in perfection
- Write things that are out of your control or goal based e.g. I will land my dream job in 3 months or I will lost 5kgs in 2 months. This is out of your control. Rather focus on easy to follow habits.
DO
- Know what you want (REALLY)
- Write a positive statement at the top. For example, at the top of my relationship Guidebook, I wrote “I deserve to love and be loved” as a reminder to myself.
- Make it simple
- Keep it to a maximum of 3
- Make it personal – you know yourself! Go from there
- Keep it visible – I stuck mine on my wall
For example:
Alcohol: Instead of “I’ll never drink again,” try “I don’t keep alcohol at home.”
Health: Instead of “I’ll never eat sugar again,” try “I don’t keep sweets in my home.” It’s just a gentle guide that helps you (PS You may want to read my book Carbs and Curves for some insightS)
Career: Instead of “I’ll land my dream job in 3 months,” which isn’t in your control try “I apply to two jobs every week.”
Money: Instead of “I’ll stop spending completely,” try “I put 10% of my paycheck into a non-accessible fund every month.”
So in the end, these new behaviours end up driving more conscious choices but without the usual temptation of sabotage. For example in the money one, you can easily set up an automatic debit without having to make the deposit yourself. After a year, you’ll have a bunch of cash saved up and you didn’t even have to try.
That’s the key! It’s to try and make it EASY to follow. The minute you make a new habit hard to follow, well, it’s hard to follow.
Conclusion: Self-respect and self-love are lifelong practices
Self-sabotage doesn’t mean you’re weak—it means you’re human. But with a simple, personal guidebook, you can step off the hamster wheel of old patterns and choose something better. Start small, make it yours, and let it guide you when willpower wavers. What would your first rule be?
Maybe it’s time to let yourself feel good about you
