I wrote this originally in 2019…
I was asked to speak at an event yesterday on “self confidence”. When asked to speak on the subject, I confess my heart sank somewhat. I don’t believe I possess such a luxury as natural born confidence and I’m always loathe, if not vehemently against speaking, or writing, on topics I know nothing about. Besides how does one talk about the subject without sounding arrogant?
I thought it was time in 2024, to do an update.
What is self confidence?
I looked for a definition of self confidence on the internet, and I found this;
One of the most cited sources about self-confidence refers to it as simply believing in oneself (Bénabou & Tirole, 2002). Another popular article defines self-confidence as an individual’s expectations of performance and self-evaluations of abilities and prior performance (Lenney, 1977).
Self-confidence is an attitude about your skills and abilities. It means you accept and trust yourself and have a sense of control in your life. University of South Florida
I can tell you that if I look at these definitions of self confidence, I don’t define myself as self confident.
And yet if you ask anyone who knows my story they will tell you I have lots of confidence.
This is EXACTLY the reason I wanted to write this blog.
Self-confidence is NOT insecurity or false confidence
It might sound obvious but self-confidence is not false confidence or arrogance.
Signs of self confidence
So let’s dig a little deeper. What are the signs of self confidence?
They include;
- Being prepared to try new things?
- Making decisions about things
- Being able to express your opinions or yourself
- Undertaking challenges
- Can practice boundaries and saying no
And countless other examples. It doesn’t mean you’re not self confident if you don’t do these things or if you display self confidence in other way such as being able to talk to strangers.
I love the quote from Lao Tzu saying self confidence is NOT having to convince others. Think about or culture of social media and how much time is spent trying to convince others and chew on that for a second.
The truth is we all have varying levels of confidence, in different areas of our lives and at different times.
There’s no such thing as being a self confident person and you’ll be that way for the rest of your life. We practice self-confidence and it becomes a habit, even a muscle, we develop.
How to practice self-confidence
There are profoundly small ways to practice developing self-confidence that will depend on where you are in your life, your personal challenges and your current levels of resilience.
They can include daily acts such as
- Self-care,
- Shifting your internal dialogue with yourself,
- Celebrating your victories
- Moving your body
- Learning a new skill
I’ll go into more about this later.
The truth about self confidence
For those of you who know my life and my work, I’ve lived a very eventful life to say the least. I’ve mountain biked across Vietnam and Laos, I’ve started an NGO and lost all my money to it, I’ve lived in London and Spain, I’ve worked as an executive coach and marketer more formally and an English teacher whilst on sabbatical. I’ve been married and divorced. I’ve climbed literal mountains in Peru and figurative ones in the face of illness. It’s been real.
I would imagine when you look back on your life, you have your own set of chapters that make up your story interwoven by love, loss, joy and heartbreak.
C’est la vie, no?
So how does this relate to self-confidence?
Well, I think in the age of social media, we’ve got the definition of self-confidence all wrong. I don’t think scantily clad women posting airbrushed selfies or “living my best life” (vomit) travel diaries necessarily display self-confidence as I originally thought.
Perhaps indeed this is quite the opposite. In a time where we’re more connected than ever before, many of us are reeling from disconnection and begging for worth through followers on Instagram in feigned self-confidence that actually masks either arrogance or a complete lack of self-confidence.
No, I think self-confidence quite simply comes down to three things; trying, self-awareness and being real.
By trying I mean attempting to create a life for yourself, despite the sometimes terrifying obstacles that life seems to present us with. I saw evidence of this at a Park Run once, where a guy with only one arm came first.
I looked at this with absolute incredulity. That’s confidence!
But no more so than trying to learn a new language, starting a new job, leaving your old one, reading a new book, entering a race, taking time to connect with a friend or family, having a difficult conversation even though you’d prefer eating hundred-year-old quail’s eggs for breakfast… these are all displays of trying. I think we’ve mistaken winning with self-confidence.
Winning is not self confidence. Winning is as a result of many attempts at trying intertwined with luck and timing.
The 3 aspects of self confidence
Self-confidence, for me, comes as a result of 3 things;
- Self-awareness
- Authenticity
- And trying
If winning isn’t self-confidence, failing to try also isn’t.
Let’s take an example;
I really wanted to get a motorbike – it was an authentic desire. SO I did a course to build up some self-confidence. Then I fell TWICE the first day I got my motorbike and lost my self-confidence. I had the self-awareness to recognise I felt like giving up but knew I had to keep trying.
As you can see it’s an ebb and flow. And as you keep trying you build up confidence. Sometimes you fail but if you don’t try, you will never succeed.
Surprising ways to develop self confidence
Given my definition of self-confidence, you may agree on my classification of self-confidence although please feel free to disagree with me in the comments below.
As for self-awareness and being real, how do these elements bring self-confidence?
Hopefully, as we invest in understanding and knowing ‘thyself’ as much as we do others, we’re less prone to suffering at our own expense. I mean we all, in the same and different ways, undermine our self-confidence.
For example;
- When we don’t want to do something but say yes and then hold resentment against another we undermine our self-confidence.
- When we promise something to another but fail to keep our word, we undermine our own self-confidence.
- If we place others below or higher than ourselves, we undermine our self-confidence, and theirs.
I feel I should emphasise this is NOT about being the perfect human being. This is about understanding oneself and how one’s actions affect self-confidence. More so it’s about how we actually all possess self-confidence in varying degrees and also at varying degrees in different areas of our lives and how relatively easy it is to ‘get back’ if the tank has dipped.
Simple acts of self-kindness, self-forgiveness, self-accountability and self-nurturing can bring one’s sense of self-confidence back into equilibrium in just a moment. This may take some assistance in the form of therapy, coaching, meditation or the like but to my surprise, it’s not as unattainable as I originally thought.
I must, however, based on my above substantiation, end of with this quote I thought of the other day and that is;
“You can’t have confidence without risking looking (and maybe even feeling) like a fool”
You see going outside your comfort zone is exactly that. You don’t know that you’ll be able to do it. But something inside of you is urging you to try.
It can be anything; from applying for a job, to telling someone that you like them (and risking rejection) to moving to a new city or learning a new language. It can be as simple as putting yourself out there to sign up for a hiking or social club.
My point is that you can’t do these things without risking your own vulnerability, without feeling foolish.
So the very thing you need to attain self-confidence is the feeling of not feeling confident, maybe even a little afraid. And that’s ok.
Agree? Disagree? I would love to hear your thoughts.
PS I included this image of myself for this post as I felt bloody foolish in my bright yellow booties (which were over another pair of booties). I also wasn’t overly impressed with life as it was %!^#$^ cold that day. I was determined to ride but after 10 icy kilometres opted for a coffee and cake instead. This picture was taken in 2018 when I lived in London.
I look back at that girl and wonder would she have done it if she knew what life had in store for her but none of us really know do we? At least she tried.
