What’s Your Go-To Defence Mechanism?

First off I’m not a psychologist. By training, I have a counselling diploma and a lifetime of reading, study and self-work on this subject.

Secondly, this is not typically how defence mechanisms are defined. Freud found 7 types of defence mechanisms. These include; 

1. Denial.
2. Repression.
3. Projection.
4. Displacement.
5. Regression.
6. Sublimation.
7. Rationalization.
8. Passive-Aggression.

Some of these are included below in various forms. If you are interested, I would suggest reading further on the subject. 

The important thing to remember is that defence mechanisms are not all bad. You probably unconsciously employed them in response to a situation which you found traumatic. In many instances it may have helped you survive or feel safe or even loved. 

You are NOT your behaviour

When I first wrote this blog, I wrote the 5 top defence mechanisms as absolutes. For example, I wrote “you don’t acknowledge your needs” instead of you’re not acknowledging your needs. 

Language has its nuances. In the first case, you ‘are’ that way and in the second, you’re acting that way. It may sound the same but it’s different.

This subtle shift in how you define your issues, is important. In the first case, you simply are a certain way and in the second, you realize that you can change.

If you realize that behaviour is exactly that, simply behaviour, it’s open to changing. 

It’s never to late to make a shift, in your work, in your personal behaviour or in your life. The most fundamental shift you can make is from the inside out. 

How to approach self-development?

You may have one or several of the following defence mechanisms going on at any one point in time. Often we tend to have themes we’ve developed over our lives and they tend to replay themselves over and over in varying levels. 

The way to approach this is with curioisity and kindness; out of a sense of genuine interest in getting to know ourselves better, rather than trying to fix a certain behaviour. You’re not broken and you don’t have to be fixed.

You may want to embody a better version of yourself and to have more fulfilling relationships.   

The top 6 defence mechanisms

1. You’re people-pleasing and don’t have boundaries

I’m a recovering people pleaser so this is familiar territory to me. I have spent many years investigating what drives this. As it turns out childhood patterns are a big part of it – as they with almost every defence mechanism.

I would rather I suffer than let down someone else. As such I have often put myself into a variety of self conmpromising situations in my life all in an effort to make someone else happy. 

Sometimes I have not even recognised I’m doing it because I haven’t acknowledged my own needs. There are various reasons we don’t acknowledge our needs. We may not recognise we even have them in the first place.

If you’re someone who is very focused on others, you may not be able to recognise how you are feeling. As such you may not be able to recognise, never mind acknowledge your needs. 

Sometimes we don’t acknowledge how we feel because it’s too scary and having to do so would mean making a change. 

As such you may find yourself in very demanding relationships or work circumstances.

Over the long term, it leads to….resentment!

💚 How to heal?

Practice checking in with your own thoughts and opinions on things. 

• How does a certain situation make you feel? 
• What is it you really want? 

These may seem like scary questions at first but approach them with self-compassion.

2. You’re numbing out or avoiding

Numbing out basically involves trying to avoid certain feelings including anger, sadness, grief or disappointment. 

How do people numb out? Well there are of course a million ways; 

• Busyness
• Sex
• Drugs
• Alcohol
• Food and overeating
• Gambling

And yes, even exercise!

Anytime you use a certain activity so you don’t have to confront a situation or have a difficult conversation or feel a certain way… that’s numbing out.  

Or you could feel like you’re on autopilot in your life. You’ve simply have numbed out from what’s going on.

💚 How to heal?

Its essential to realize that this is not a physical problem, it’s an emotional one. No one overeats, overspends, drinks too much, gambles etc because they love doing that particular activity. They do it because it results in a feelings; serotonin. 

Ultimately overindulging is a way to increase serotonin in the very short term. The problem is it doesn’t last. 

Healing overindlugence requires education about the problem and usually external support. It can take time but know that if you’re committed to healing, you can and will overcome it. 

A personal example

Yup I can relate. Most days I’m up early and don’t take a second within my day to think, nevermind breathe. No really, I mean breathe. 

Take a breath.

If you stop for a second right now to tap into your breathing, how are you breathing? My guess is, like me, you’re taking shallow breaths.

It’s a strange thing. We’re often so busy because we feel anxious and don’t want to stop to feel or acknowledge the anxiety, But then the business in itself begins to create more anxiety. 

3. You’re only about you

Let’s get one thing straight. All of us are all about ourselves otherwise we wouldn’t survive. It’s a Darwinian response to living on our crazy little planet. But there are levels!

Someone who shows narcissistic behaviour is ONLY about themselves. There are obviously varying degrees but essentially they manipulate others for their own gain.

Ironically it comes from a very poor sense of self-esteem.

People with this type of behaviour often pair up with people pleasers in a dynamic that pushes both to their own extremes. 

💚 How to heal?

The first step is awareness. We each have to recognize our own contribution and behaviour and be prepared to get very honest with ourselves about our own behaviour. 

Working with a good therapist will go a long way in this process.

4. You’re not putting yourself out there

You want a new job but you never apply. You want a relationship but you never speak to anyone new. You want to write a book but you never sit down to write…

Sound familiar?

Don’t be too hard on yourself. The thing to realize is why you don’t put yourself out there. Maybe you failed in the past and you don’t want to experience that same feeling of failure or rejection. Heartbreak even.

Think back over your life, perhaps there was a time where you failed and it had a devastating effect on you. 

This is the time to develop self compassion and support but also if needed to work with somone to help you get back on the proverbial horse. 

There’s a surefire way to fail and that is to never try. If you try you may fail but if you never try, you will never succeed. 

Unfortunately, if you don’t try you limit your joy here too. 

💚 How to heal?

As I mentioned self-compassion is a critical part of this. You can’t be internally criticizing yourself and expecting yourself to succeed.

Practice taking steps, and practice failing even. I remember watching this one YouTube video on how this guy sought 100 rejections. What he discovered at the end is that he wasn’t afraid to put himself out there anymore. 

Practice. Baby steps, small steps but take the step.

I learnt this when I first started speaking Spanish. And it’s an invaluable life skill. Simply showing up will win you a million breaks, you never realized were waiting for you. 

5. You’re constantly over-criticizing others

She’s so fat, she never eats healthily. 

My boss is such an idiot, he doesn’t know what he’s doing. 

I can’t believe she did that, didn’t she think about what she was doing.

We humans can be cruel! 

And at some or other point, we’ve ALL said nasty things about someone else. Sometimes they are merely just commentaries that are a part of everyday life. It’s normal to comment on people’s lives. 

BUT overly criticizing other people is when you constantly look for the negative in others to make yourself feel superior in some way. 

But actually it doesn’t help at all in the long time. 

While you’re focusing your attention on someone else, you’re not doing anything to help yourself. You’ve taken all your own power away.

You may argue that someone else is upsetting you but in truth if someone is upsetting you to such an extent it either shows you have a conflict in values OR that person has something to reflect back to you about yourself. Potentially something you won’t like. 

💚 How to heal?

Overly criticizing others is a surefire sign of lack of self esteem. When we need to criticize others, it’s because we feel bad about ourselves.

What’s really going on inside of you? Where is this coming from?

6. You’re overly positive

What’s wrong with being positive? Nothing at all. It’s great! And having optimism in your life will help you go far in life!

But there’s something called toxic positivity. 

“Toxic positivity is the belief that people should maintain a positive mindset no matter how dire or difficult a situation is.”