Toxic Positivity: “Just Be Positive” Can Be Terrible Advice

People mean well. But "just be positive" can be some of the worst advice.

“Just be positive” can be the worst thing to say to someone who is going through a real challenge.

I fell off my bike a while ago, twice in one month!

And it spurred, for me, what was a major period of challenge. I felt an overwhelming sense of fear. It felt like my world had crumbled.

Yes ,consciously I knew that the falls weren’t bad at all. I was fine. Except I didn’t FEEL fine.

Some of the advice that people told me included;

Focus on the positive
Don’t be afraid (Oh I’m sorry, did YOU come with a button where you just switch it off?)
Flip the script in your mind with affirmations like “I’m always safe”. Except I didn’t feel safe.

I think one of the best was “Don’t fall off your bike anymore“. Oh yes, thank you, idiot, I never thought of that.

This only made me feel like even more of a failure than I already did. And it made me angry. I felt alone like no one understood me.

I began having nightmares and people told me just to ‘forget’ them.

Thankfully I have some pretty great people in my life who reassured me that I wasn’t a failure and that I wasn’t going crazy. And that this was a pretty normal trauma response. I ended up going to a therapist who told me it was okay to feel afraid.

When he said that, I just cried. No, I wept. And I felt relieved that I didn’t have to carry the shame of feeling afraid anymore.

And if you’ve seen the movie “Inside Out” you’ll know that sadness can be a great liberator.

If you’re going through a really tough time, here is a list of things that helped me.

The Rise of Toxic Positivity – How Did We Get Here?

There’s nothing wrong with being positive. In fact, science has proven that you CAN prime your brain with certain cues.

If you tell yourself you’re going to have a good day or that it’s a good day, when you wake up, it does work…. To a certain extent.

But there’s something wrong when you can’t express how you really feel.

What is Toxic Positivity?

Toxic positivity is the belief that people should maintain a positive mindset no matter what.

Except, if you are feeling the depths of despair, it can be really counterproductive to ‘pretend’ that you don’t.

Some examples of ‘toxic positivity‘ are:

Being told to smile (even when you don’t want to)
Being told to ‘Be positive’
‘Don’t be negative’
‘You have nothing to be stressed about’
‘Other people in the world have it worse than you’
Hashtags on social media like #GoodVibesOnly or #PositiveVibesOnly.

3 Things to Try Instead of “Just Be Positive”

Acknowledge How You Feel

In the middle of a bad mood, you think your option is to feel good or not—to “be positive” or “be negative.” But it isn’t. Your two choices are seemingly more limited than this: to be okay with where you are, or fight against it. (TinyBuddha)

Ask Yourself What You Need

You know you! What do you need? A walk? Therapy? Time out? Give yourself soul time.

You know what you need. And if you don’t, it may be time to search for some help in the form of outside support; yoga, therapy etc.

Give Yourself a Break

It’s funny how when the going gets tough, we turn on ourselves and become our own worst enemies.

You’re such an idiot, we say to ourselves as if it were completely normal to speak to someone like that.

Or we think “I’m such a failure“.

Self Compassion and Forgiveness is the Number One Healer

Many people think that self-compassion means having self-pity. It is not at all the same thing.

As the American poet Stephen Levine wrote: “When your fear touches someone’s pain, it becomes pity, when your love touches someone’s pain, it becomes compassion.”

When we feel compassion, we don’t judge. We see someone is suffering and we have compassion for them. We can extend this to ourselves. It doesn’t mean we don’t take accountability. It doesn’t mean we discard being an adult and think poor me. No.

It means we step into each situation and the challenge where we find ourselves, with kindness.

We show up for what needs to be done but then we acknowledge ourselves for doing so.

Remember this in Tough Times (Or when you step in 💩)

You don’t have to be positive, just be real. I always joke with a friend of mine who used to tell me that there’s always something to be positive about;

When you step in dog poop, do you stop to smell it and taste it? No! Of course not! Because it isn’t chocolate.

It’s the same for everything else. When things turn to shit, don’t pretend it’s chocolate. It isn’t. Wipe it off your shoe. And if you can’t put your shoe under a tap with some water.

It’s the same for life. Don’t pretend it’s chocolate when it’s dog poop.

Sometimes you have to stop and wait for storms to pass. And trust me, whatever it is you’re going through, the age-old saying rings true “This too shall pass“.

Believe in yourself because you’ve got this.

And something is going to come out of this challenge. That isn’t positive thinking; it’s the truth.

Anytime I’ve been through a major challenge in my life, something good has come out of it. I’ve learnt from the experience, or I’ve discovered a new part of myself, or I’ve written a new book or simply realised what it is I really want in my life.